“More of a prehistoric theater kid than a predator,” researchers explain
BOZEMAN, MT — In a groundbreaking reassessment of prehistoric behavior, paleontologists at the Montana Institute of Cretaceous Studies announced Tuesday that Tyrannosaurus rex, once thought to be nature’s most terrifying predator, was actually a socially anxious, asthmatic mess who shook nervously around other dinosaurs and routinely got picked last for sports.
“We used to think T. rex ruled the late Cretaceous,” said Dr. Elise Carmichael, lead researcher on the project. “But all signs point to it being more like that weird smelly kid who brings a sword to summer camp and cries when someone calls it ‘short arms.’”
According to new fossil data, T. rex suffered from frequent respiratory issues likely caused by underdeveloped lung sacs — leading many scientists to conclude it would have wheezed audibly while trying to chase a hadrosaur and then given up to sit by a log and sulk.
Social analysis of track patterns and nest sites suggests the T. rex was often seen pacing in circles at the edge of dinosaur gatherings, trying to join in before panicking and pretending it wasn’t interested.
“It was basically the kid standing by the punch bowl at a dinosaur dance,” said Dr. Carmichael. “We’re not even sure it could roar without coughing halfway through.”
At press time, scientists were reevaluating the velociraptor as well, noting it may have just been “a vicious turkey with a Napoleon complex.”
