WASHINGTON, D.C. — Local graduate student Marissa Lane, 26, has racked up over $137,000 in student debt pursuing a Master’s in International Affairs — a degree that, according to sources, has thus far consisted almost entirely of learning to deeply, professionally hate and obsess over Russia, a country most Americans forget exists until she reminds them.
“Honestly, it’s not even about politics anymore,” Lane said, adjusting her NATO-themed tote bag. “It’s just part of my personality now. The minute someone says ‘energy independence,’ my whole nervous system lights up.”
Lane, who once listed “foreign policy nerd” in her dating profile and now uses the word “Ruskies” with unironic intensity, is working on her capstone project titled: “Pipelines, Propaganda, and Putin: Why Literally Every Problem You Can Name is Russia’s Fault.”
She admits she’s never been to Russia, doesn’t know anyone from there, and once confused Belarus with Moldova, but insists she can “read Putin’s next ten moves just by looking at pipeline flow charts and satellite images of soil disturbance.”
Meanwhile, average Americans remain largely unaware that the Cold War reboot even happened.
“I don’t think about Russia at all,” said local mechanic Greg W., 39, when asked. “Wait, are we still mad at them?”
Lane, however, sees herself as a vital part of the resistance. “If I don’t spend every waking hour diagramming Slavic threat vectors for a consultancy run by retired colonels, who will?”
At press time, she was seen submitting a résumé to a weapons manufacturer’s diversity & inclusion department.
