ARLINGTON, VA — During what was meant to be a casual after-work happy hour, defense analyst Trent Mallory, 43, stunned his coworkers by referring to Eastern Europe as “The Chessboard” while ordering a beer.
“I mean, if Ukraine pushes west and Moldova holds steady, we can force Belarus to stay on the sidelines — classic Queen’s Gambit,” said Mallory, pausing to flag down the bartender for another round of $16 IPAs.
Witnesses say no one had asked about geopolitics, but Mallory had “that look in his eyes” — the one that says I’m about to compare human suffering to game theory in a bar full of interns.
“He was just talking about his dog, and then suddenly we’re in 4D NATO posture analysis,” said coworker Brianna S., who came for the half-price apps and stayed for the unprompted monologue about Kaliningrad.
Mallory, who once spent a semester abroad in Prague and now refers to it as “the frontline of ideological struggle,” allegedly speaks in a tone that implies he’s in a war room at all times, even while asking for extra ranch.
“He called Bulgaria a ‘piece with hidden leverage,’” said one intern. “I don’t even know what that means. I thought he was talking about some chick at the bar.”
At press time, Mallory was seen circling a map of Poland crudely drawn on a bar napkin and whispering, “This is where it all happens. The hinge of history.”
