SPRINGFIELD, MO — Longtime Libertarian Party committee member and self-appointed outreach strategist Carl Denman, 63, announced a “bold new plan” at Tuesday night’s meeting to connect with what he repeatedly referred to as “the urban community” — a phrase he used seven times in under three minutes while hiking his pleated khakis to within two inches of his sternum.
“It’s time we bring the message of liberty to the inner city, to the hip-hop zones, to the… urban folks,” said Denman, adjusting his belt with both hands in a slow, deliberate motion that made everyone deeply uncomfortable.
Denman, who once referred to a Juneteenth event as “a great opportunity for literature distribution,” outlined a plan involving a tri-fold brochure, a playlist of “freedom-themed rap songs” sourced entirely from YouTube comments, and an outreach table at what he called “a festival of rhythmic expression downtown.”
“We’ve been too scared to go into these neighborhoods,” Denman declared, “but liberty is colorblind — and so is our tax policy.”
His first outreach attempt brought him face-to-face with local 12-year-old TikTok creator J’Mauri Wells. “Bro really pulled up to our neighborhood looking like Liberty’s substitute teacher,” said J’Mauri to his 27,000 followers, panning over Carl’s American flag socks, Gadsden apron, and ill-fitting fedora. “He talkin’ about the invisible hand — but he about to catch these hands.”
Carl reportedly tried to engage J’Mauri in a “principled dialogue” about zoning laws and price floors, but was quickly cut off when the 12-year-old replied, “Name three things the Libertarian Party’s done besides lose and blame vibes.”
Sources confirm that Denman’s entire strategy was developed without speaking to a single Black person, consulting any local community leaders, or acknowledging that his last attempt at outreach included trying to hand out The Law in front of a vape shop while wearing a T-shirt that said End the Fed, Not the Fun.
“Carl’s heart is in the right place,” said Vice Chair Allison Mendez. “Unfortunately, his brain is still in 1981.”
At press time, Denman had begun practicing a planned campaign speech “in the local dialect,” which involved saying “freedom, y’all” in a painfully stilted tone before coughing into a handkerchief embroidered with the Gadsden flag.
