GREENVILLE, SC — Local Calvinist Zackery McClintock, 32, experienced a brief but significant lapse in theological consistency Sunday morning when he proudly told a friend he was “really glad I decided to come to church today.”
Eyewitnesses say the statement hung in the air for several seconds before McClintock’s eyes glazed over and he whispered, “Wait.”
“Bro just stood there in the narthex like he got hit with a brick made of Romans 9,” said fellow congregant Nathan Bell. “You could see the doctrines of grace rebooting in real time.”
McClintock, a five-point Calvinist who once ended a date by explaining the difference between common grace and irresistible grace, is reportedly known for reminding friends that “God ordains the ends and the means, including the coffee you spilled this morning.”
When approached for comment, McClintock appeared disoriented but recovering. “Obviously, I didn’t mean I chose it. I meant… I was predestined to desire it. Which I now realize I was also predestined to forget momentarily. So, in a way, that lapse was sovereignly ordained too. Praise be.”
