WEST, TX — Local anarcho-capitalist Brandon Kessler, 24, has spent the better part of his adult life mastering economic theory, foreign policy, the culture war, and the nuances of the non-aggression principle — yet remains completely unable to get anyone to swipe right on a dating app.
“I can dismantle the central bank in under two minutes,” said Kessler, scrolling through profiles on his phone. “I understand Austrian business cycle theory, the moral case for anarchism, and why the war in Yemen was engineered by lobbyists and lies. But I cannot — and I’ve tried — get someone named Kayla to respond to a Hinge message.”
Friends say Kessler is quick to cite Rothbard, Bob Murphy, and Scott Horton in casual conversation — but also once got ghosted for asking a woman at a bar if she had “any strong opinions about the gold standard.”
When asked directly how he feels about women, Kessler blinked, nodded, and said, “I think Healing Our World by Mary Ruwart remains one of the most important libertarian books ever written on voluntary relationships.”
Clarified that the question was about dating women, Kessler looked briefly startled, then recovered: “Ah. Well. That’s definitely outside the scope of monetary theory, but I remain open to a mutually beneficial partnership — ideally one based on competing private courtship models.”
“He opened his Tinder bio with ‘I’ll defund your state,’” said his niece, Hailey, 19. “Then he listed his love language as ‘spontaneous order.’”
Kessler admits he’s frustrated, but not defeated. “Look, I’m not in this for short-term validation. I’ve got low time preference. I’m building value that’ll matter in ten years — not chasing clout like it’s atlcoin hype. Let them scroll. I plant seeds.”
At press time, Kessler was seen rewriting his dating profile to remove a block quote from Man, Economy, and State and replace it with “Just a guy standing in front of a girl asking her to abolish the ATF.”
