PALO ALTO, CA — In what they called a “paradigm-shattering discovery,” astronomers at SkyReach Observatory announced today that three barely-visible pixels captured by a telescope the size of a mid-sized stadium are unquestionably the remnants of a failed star unraveling under magnetohydrodynamic pressure — and, according to their findings, “mostly your fault.”
“This isn’t just space dust,” said lead astrophysicist Dr. Lena Park, gesturing toward a grainy image resembling an accidental Minecraft screenshot. “This is non-binary particulate matter, likely destabilized by Earth’s rising CO₂ emissions — and frankly, your refusal to add pronouns to your bio didn’t help.”
The team’s 84-page paper, published just two hours after the pixel cluster was observed, details the dust’s composition, ionization state, childhood influences, and likely political leanings — all derived from spectral data they insist is 100% correct.
Critics noted that the image appears indistinguishable from background noise and may, in fact, be a JPEG artifact. In response, the authors issued a statement condemning “pixel-based narrative inference” as a form of epistemic violence and denounced the skeptics as “denialist anti-science bigots.”
At press time, the team was preparing several corrections to the paper, which they emphasized were “refinements of previously flawless conclusions.”
