Thomas Massie Suggests Returning to Spending Levels From Just Five Minutes Ago; Republicans Denounce Him as Lunatic Extremist
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking display of fiscal radicalism, Representative Thomas Massie (R-KY) proposed rolling federal spending back to levels from approximately five minutes ago — a move immediately…
Open-Borders Libertarians Create Ellis Island-Style Processing Station to Vet New Party Volunteers
ROCHESTER, NY — Declaring themselves champions of radical inclusion and freedom of movement, a group of open-borders libertarians this week unveiled a new Ellis Island-style volunteer intake station — specifically…
Astronomers Spot Three Gray Pixels a Million Light-Years Away, Confidently Declare It’s Dust From a Failed Star With Complex Feelings About Gender
PALO ALTO, CA — In what they called a “paradigm-shattering discovery,” astronomers at SkyReach Observatory announced today that three barely-visible pixels captured by a telescope the size of a mid-sized…
BREAKING: Paleontologists Confirm T. Rex Was Actually Kind of a Giant Pussy
"More of a prehistoric theater kid than a predator," researchers explain BOZEMAN, MT — In a groundbreaking reassessment of prehistoric behavior, paleontologists at the Montana Institute of Cretaceous Studies announced…
Libertarian Comes in 8th in 3-Way Race; Mathematicians Puzzled but Say the Numbers Check Out
LUBBOCK, TX — In what experts are calling “arithmetically improbable but technically correct,” Libertarian city council candidate Reid Halvorsen has officially placed 8th in a 3-way race, stunning voters, further…
Anglican Priest Accidentally Preaches Entire Sermon from The Silmarillion; Congregation Too Polite to Interrupt
SPOKANE, WA — Parishioners at St. Philip’s Anglican Church sat in quiet bewilderment this past Sunday as Rev. Jonathan Post delivered a stirring 38-minute sermon detailing the betrayal of Melkor,…
Libertarian Affiliate Applauds Year of Denunciations, Procedural Drama, and No Observable Impact
TRENTON, NJ — The New Jersey Libertarian Party held its annual convention this weekend, where officers proudly celebrated a banner year of petty infighting, formal denunciations, and performative resolutions that…
New Strategy Proposed: Libertarians Urged to Maybe Not Put Biggest Weirdos Front and Center; Roundly Rejected, Immediately Booed
GRAND RAPIDS, MI — A bold new strategy was proposed at this weekend’s state Libertarian Party convention: that the party “perhaps reconsider putting its most unhinged members in charge of…
Neoliberal Friend Says U.S. Foreign Policy ‘Generally Goes Pretty Well’ Despite Trail of Smoldering Craters
ARLINGTON, VA — Despite a decades-long record of regime changes gone sideways, trillion-dollar interventions, and regional destabilization that often escalates into generational blood feuds, local policy enthusiast Kevin Conrad confidently…
Man Blames Loneliness on Capitalist Alienation, Still Hasn’t Washed Sheets in Seven Months
CHICAGO, IL — Local man Jared Fine, 28, claimed this week that his persistent sense of disconnection and emotional despair is the result of late-stage capitalist alienation — though sources…
