SEATTLE, WA — Local couple Devon and Marissa Feldman, both 34, have once again confirmed that they do not want children, explaining to friends that their lives are already “so rich and complete” — as they sank into their crumb-covered sectional at 9:45pm to split a lukewarm fried rice bowl and watch season 6 of a reality show they both claim to hate.
“We just don’t see what a kid would add,” said Devon, wearing a stretched-out hoodie and clutching a White Claw he’s been sipping since noon. “We’re happy. Our nights are sacred. We unwind, we connect, we DoorDash, we watch something dumb ironically. That’s self-care.”
Marissa nodded, licking orange dust from her fingers. “People think kids bring meaning, but I think a lot of folks are just trying to fill a hole. Like maybe they don’t know how to sit still with themselves,” she said, while browsing Etsy for an enamel pin that says No Baby, No Cry.
The Feldmans, who both work remote “creative-adjacent” jobs, reportedly refer to their lifestyle as “intentional,” and have curated their living room with thrifted neon lamps and half-dead houseplants “to cultivate softness.”
Friends say the couple often insist they “aren’t judging” people who have children — before launching into lengthy monologues about overpopulation, the myth of parental fulfillment, and how much they “learned from a TikTok therapist” about generational trauma.
“I love kids, in theory,” Marissa clarified, “but I also love waking up at 11am and microdosing for self-awareness.”
Despite insisting they’ve “never been happier,” neighbors report regular midnight arguments about who forgot to order utensils again and whether Devon’s old dog was ever truly housebroken.
At press time, the Feldmans were seen under a weighted blanket, watching YouTube on their TV, phone, and iPad simultaneously, softly whispering “we’re thriving” as the Uber Eats driver rang the doorbell for the third time this week.
