TRENTON, NJ — The New Jersey Libertarian Party held its annual convention this weekend, where officers proudly celebrated a banner year of petty infighting, formal denunciations, and performative resolutions that no one outside their insular group has ever read — except to mock.
“This year, we passed nine motions to condemn each other, five to censure Facebook users for ‘toxic jokes,’ and one strongly worded resolution against metaphors we didn’t like,” said outgoing chair Delaney Moore, addressing a room of 14 people and one extremely bored service dog. “We’re showing the state what liberty really looks like: vicious procedural warfare and nonstop backbiting.”
The convention program — which consumed the affiliate’s entire annual budget and was immediately left on chairs, dropped in bathrooms, or used to swat gnats — included a 40-minute floor debate over whether the semicolon in a resolution constituted an act of grammatical aggression.
Over the past year, the affiliate initiated eight separate internal investigations, resulting in three formal excommunications, two “lifetime bans” from a group chat, and one member censured retroactively for liking a 2015 meme that became problematic a decade later.
“We may not have elected anyone,” said Vice Chair Ron Caldwell. “Or hosted any successful outreach. Or filed our paperwork properly. But we upheld what matters: rooting out ideological deviation and issuing strongly worded PDFs into the void.”
The convention concluded with a unanimous resolution in support of tone policing as a vital tool for community health — immediately followed by the removal of a member for “aggressive behavior on Discord,” referencing a heated argument about Star Wars that had nothing to do with the Libertarian Party.
At press time, the affiliate announced bold plans for the coming year: splitting into three separate factions, launching four new podcasts that will have two episodes each, and continuing a heated debate over whether Milton Friedman was ‘based’ or ‘a socialist in disguise.’
Copies of the resolutions were made available online, where they were mostly skimmed by enemies, doomscrollers, and a few party insiders desperate for drama.
