MINNEAPOLIS, MN — The local Libertarian Party affiliate is celebrating yet another month of perfect ideological hygiene, having successfully alienated every single curious newcomer who wandered in hoping to talk about taxes, lockdowns, or why the DMV still exists.
“We had 8 new faces last meeting,” said chapter vice chair Ellis R., stirring oat milk into a compostable coffee cup. “But once we explained that the real barrier to liberty is internalized Eurocentric epistemology, most of them self-deported.”
Attendees report that any conversation about inflation, regulation, or school choice was immediately redirected toward redefining consent through the lens of land acknowledgment, and that by the end of the meeting, one guy was in berated to tears because he asked if anyone had read Economics in One Lesson.
“I just wanted to learn how advocate for lower taxes at the statehouse,” said Mike Daniels, 45, who hasn’t voted in a decade. “But within ten minutes I was accused of perpetuating supply-side chauvinism and ableist values.”
The chapter’s leadership, which includes five grad students and someone named Moss who only speaks in metaphors, insists that their priority is deconstructing the colonial frameworks embedded in the word “liberty” itself, not “making everyone feel comfy in their white suburban assumptions.”
“Liberty isn’t a destination,” said one organizer. “It’s an intersectional journey of trauma-informed reclamation through decentralized care webs. Also we’re looking to ban plastics through market driven direct action.”
At press time, the affiliate had unanimously passed a resolution condemning “the inherent racism of western patriotism in structurally violent economic systems,” while two former attendees quietly left to join the local gun range.
