PORTLAND, OR — Local software engineer and self-described “rational humanist” Derek H. has found deep personal fulfillment in loudly asserting that life has no meaning whatsoever to anyone who will listen.
“I’m not like the religious types who build their whole identity around trying to convert everyone,” Derek said, while posting his 23rd comment of the day under a stranger’s Easter brunch photo. “I just think it’s important people understand that existence is a random, godless fluke with no inherent purpose whatsoever.”
Friends say Derek first discovered nihilism in college after watching Cosmos and briefly dating a girl who owned The God Delusion. Since then, he’s dedicated his free time to debating on Facebook with people who still use Minions memes, then screenshotting the arguments to brag about them on Reddit.
“He says prayer is just ‘muttering into the void,’ but then gets visibly irritated when I tell him I’m praying for him,” said coworker Andrea K. “Last week he sent me a YouTube link titled ‘Why Everything You Believe Is Scientifically Embarrassing.’ I didn’t click it.”
“For me, it’s liberating,” Derek explained, sipping black coffee from a chipped mug that reads ‘Good Without God.’ “We’re all just cosmic accidents hurtling through a cold, indifferent universe.” He is currently working on a Medium post titled “No, Karen, You’re Not Blessed — You’re Lucky and Statistically Mediocre.”
His apartment contains over 70 boxed Funko Pop figures, a framed poster of Carl Sagan, and a whiteboard listing debates tactics to try with his aunt on Facebook. He describes this as “just a hobby,” though it occupies the majority of his waking hours.
When asked if his endless efforts to dismantle others’ beliefs conflict with his claim that existence is devoid of meaning, Derek shook his head: “You don’t get it. Just because there’s no objective truth doesn’t mean I can’t be right.”
At press time, Derek was seen confidently explaining free will to a barista who hadn’t asked.
