ARLINGTON, VA — Despite a decades-long record of regime changes gone sideways, trillion-dollar interventions, and regional destabilization that often escalates into generational blood feuds, local policy enthusiast Kevin Conrad confidently told friends Tuesday that U.S. foreign policy “generally works out in the end.”
“Sure, there have been some bumps,” said Conrad, referencing the last seven conflicts with air quotes. “But overall, we’ve spread democracy, opened markets, and created opportunities for long-term stability. I mean, look at Iraq… okay, bad example. But still.”
Friends report that Conrad made the remarks while citing a Brookings PDF and a color-coded chart with the word Resilience in four fonts. When pressed about Afghanistan, Libya, Syria, or Yemen, he replied, “Look, not everything’s perfect — but we’ve done a lot of good.”
At press time, Brennan was seen nodding approvingly at a think tank panel titled “Learning to Win: Strategic Lessons from Our Favorite Quagmires.”
