GRAND RAPIDS, MI — A bold new strategy was proposed at this weekend’s state Libertarian Party convention: that the party “perhaps reconsider putting its most unhinged members in charge of public messaging.” The motion was met with stunned silence, a brief hiss, and then a chorus of boos that lasted nearly three minutes.
“I just think the guy who’s been ‘running for office’ since 1996 without ever clearing 1% and still uses an AOL email address probably shouldn’t be the face of the movement,” said delegate Melissa R., nervously eyeing the man already approaching the mic in a cape. “Or at least not representing us on television in a wizard hat.”
The proposal was immediately denounced by several longtime members as “cowardice,” “soft central planning,” and “basically Stalinism.” One attendee accused Melissa of being “controlled opposition” sent by the Chamber of Commerce.
“Look, the public needs to know we’re serious,” she added. “And when the first thing they see is a guy in a tricorn hat shouting about sovereign milk tokens, we lose the message.”
In response, the convention passed a formal censure of Melissa R. for “negativity and procedural disruption,” and unanimously voted to place recent parolee and self-described “quantum anarcho-voluntarist” Skippy Daggerheart on the ballot for state Senate.
At press time, Melissa was seen leaving the venue quietly while delegates debated whether the official party platform should include a position on maritime time travel.
