ROCHESTER, NY — Declaring themselves champions of radical inclusion and freedom of movement, a group of open-borders libertarians this week unveiled a new Ellis Island-style volunteer intake station — specifically designed to screen out anyone who might be normal, well-adjusted, or even vaguely familiar with basic economics.
“We’re fully post-border, post-hierarchy, and post-philosophical,” said volunteer coordinator Ember (they/them), who describes their role as “decentralized engagement harmonizer.” “But that doesn’t mean we let just anyone into the party. We’ve got to keep the space ideologically safe.”
Newcomers are processed through a five-step system involving a personality screening, a linguistic audit, and a “Community Values Alignment Questionnaire” with essay prompts like “Is misgendering tantamount to treason or just light sedition?” and “Explain why consent can’t exist under the patriarchy — minimum 5000 words if you are white.”
Applicants expressing interest in outreach, influencing elections, or discussing actual policy are quietly redirected to a holding area labeled “Crypto-Fascist Adjacent.”
“We had someone say they liked school choice,” said intake deputy Cosmo Foxkin (xe/xem), shuddering. “We had to find out how they heard of us and shut that down.”
The processing area is divided into stations labeled “Decolonize the Narrative,” “Trauma-Informed Praxis Check,” and “Intake Circle for People Who Seem a Little Too Into Ron Paul,” which is located through an unmarked emergency exit, down a rusted fire escape, and into an alleyway behind a dumpster. Those who fail to denounce borders and affirm prenatal gender transition are asked to leave immediately.
“We’re building a movement rooted in radical openness,” Ember explained, “which means we have a duty to firmly gatekeep against harmful ideas like having a job or doing anything productive.”
At press time, the team was investigating a potential breach of community values after someone described themselves as “just a regular libertarian.”
