WESTWOOD HILLS, MO — Newly elected libertarian Councilman Derek Mallon, 38, was stunned this week to discover that he is just as insufferable in public office as he was out of it, despite a carefully calibrated campaign built on moderation, polish, and an obsessive knowledge of parliamentary procedure.
Mallon, who narrowly won a nonpartisan town council seat in the sleepy suburb of Westwood Hills last November with 3.2% turnout, had expected to quietly win over the town with well-reasoned arguments, Excel-based budgets, and an air of calm superiority. Instead, colleagues report that within two meetings, he had already been added to a group text titled “Derek No.”
“I thought if I stayed civil, followed Robert’s Rules, and offered logical alternatives to municipal spending, people would come around,” said Mallon, visibly shaken. “I even used the phrase ‘fiscally prudent’ instead of ‘taxation is theft.’ I wore a blazer. I made eye contact.”
Mallon had hoped to model a pragmatic libertarian approach — different from what he calls the “shirtless podcast bros” — and imagined he’d soon be mentoring converts, sipping black coffee while slowly guiding the city toward voluntary trash collection and deregulated zoning.
Instead, fellow councilmembers described him as “grating,” “weirdly smug,” and “the human version of a Nextdoor comment thread.”
“He brought a 14-page white paper to a meeting about dog park fencing,” said Councilwoman Deb Whitaker. “Then he lectured us about ‘price signals’ and how leash laws are a form of soft tyranny.”
Despite no one asking, Mallon insists his role is purely about “removing coercive structures,” which so far has meant voting no on every item, including a motion to approve the minutes from the last meeting. “I wasn’t opposed, I just felt they lacked context,” he clarified.
At press time, Mallon was seen alone in the parking lot, practicing a speech about how “freedom doesn’t have to be loud.”
