WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking display of fiscal radicalism, Representative Thomas Massie (R-KY) proposed rolling federal spending back to levels from approximately five minutes ago — a move immediately condemned by colleagues as “reckless,” “deeply destabilizing,” and “tantamount to economic terrorism.”
“Massie’s proposal would gut vital programs and put our national at risk,” said Rep. Steve Horn (R-TN), sweating profusely. “We are dealing with someone who clearly has no regard for the sacred institution of accelerating government expansion.”
At the time of Massie’s suggestion, the federal government was spending an estimated $14 billion per minute, including $9 billion on things no one could quite explain, $2 million on surprise diversity audits, and $600,000 to rename the Department of Agriculture’s Wellness Wing after a retiring lobbyist’s cat.
“The gentleman from Kentucky wants to slash that,” gasped Rep. Dan Graf (R-TX), who warned that returning to 3:17 PM spending levels could “plunge the country into a pre-3:18 dystopia.”
Pressed for comment, Massie calmly explained that he simply wanted to revert the budget to “whatever it was when I started this sentence,” prompting a bipartisan walkout and an emergency CNN segment titled “Budget Sabotage Threatens Democracy.”
At press time, the Congressional Budget Office had calculated that by not increasing spending for a full 60 seconds, the nation would technically be in a recession.
