By the time we reached the third Atlas Shrugged movie, we were no longer asking “Who is John Galt?” but “Why did we do this to ourselves?” For a philosophy so obsessed with excellence, Ayn Rand’s film adaptations range from mildly disorienting to full-blown disaster tourism. Here’s our ranking, starting at zero and heading downward like the GDP of Galt’s Gulch.
0. The Fountainhead (1949)
Technically the best by default, because it has lighting, editing, and actors who learned their lines. Gary Cooper plays Howard Roark like a man who just realized Objectivism won’t get him a personality. Highlights include the climactic courtroom speech where Roark defends blowing up public housing because his soul was in it.
Accurate to the novel: Yes.
Enjoyable: No.
Moral of the story: Architecture is more important than human lives.
Score: 0/10
–1. Atlas Shrugged: Part I (2011)
A movie about train executives making supply chain policy decisions, shot with the emotional tension of a Weather Channel special. Made for $20 million, and looks like a libertarian student film with a Groupon for craft services.
Most exciting scene: A conference call.
Dramatic stakes: Copper prices.
Fun Fact: Starred Taylor Schilling, who escaped to Orange Is the New Black immediately afterward like a political prisoner crawling to freedom.
Score: –1/10
–2. Atlas Shrugged: Part II (2012)
New actors. New budget. Same vibe as an airport hotel PowerPoint on deregulation. Dialogue includes phrases like “I’m not anti-business. I’m anti-fraud,” spoken with the charisma of a collapsed souffle.
Special effects: CGI train sparks.
Energy level: 0.07 Rand.
Score: –2/10
–3. Atlas Shrugged: Part III (2014)
Everyone is replaced again. This time it’s basically a PowerPoint with dramatic music and John Galt’s 90-minute speech as a hostage situation. Filmed in a dystopian parking lot that represents the collapse of society — or maybe just the producer’s hope of getting distribution.
John Galt is played by: A guy who definitely owns crypto now.
Box office take: Enough for a small vending machine.
Score: –3/10
–4. Anthem (future adaptation, inevitably bad)
This hasn’t been made yet, but let’s be real: when it does happen, it’ll star someone from The Bachelor, be shot in grayscale for “aesthetic,” and include 45 minutes of whispering about lightbulbs.
Will it feature a shirtless man shouting “I am. I think. I will” in a sandstorm? Yes.
Will anyone enjoy it? No, but there will be one YouTube comment that says “finally someone gets it.”
Projected Score: –4/10
