GENEVA — In a joint press conference that tore open the veil of reality and caused several reporters to burst into ash, world leaders revealed this week that they are, in fact, ancient, dimensionless horror-beings that exist outside linear time and derive sustenance from the anguish, sacrifice, and despair of the global population.
“Finally,” said President Macron, as his skin peeled back to reveal an infinite cascade of gnashing teeth and screaming shadows. “We no longer have to pretend.”
While most citizens responded with panic, existential dread, or spontaneous weeping, your neoliberal friend calmly insisted that this was “actually good, if you think about it.”
“They’ve been running things for centuries and the world hasn’t totally collapsed,” said Gavin Elkins, 31, while sipping a protein shake and adjusting his collapsible keyboard. “Honestly, the fact that they feed on our suffering just means there’s finally a unifying theory behind global governance. It’s efficient.”
“It might not look great optically, but if demonic extradimensional entities are what it takes to maintain geopolitical continuity and year-over-year growth, I’m fine with that.”
When asked if he was at all concerned about the fact that these beings have no fixed shape, cannot be killed, and actively generate the suffering they consume, Gavin shrugged.
“Look, there’s always a cost. At least now it’s organized. Do you know how hard it is to manage interdimensional power equilibria across collapsed ontological planes? I’d like to see you do better.”
At press time, Gavin was tweeting that “chaos spirals are actually neutral,” and defending the notion that mandatory soul tithe quotas are “a small price to pay for long-term geopolitical stability.”
