Libertarian Chapter Celebrates Another Month of Uncompromised Purity After Rejecting All Newcomers
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — The local Libertarian Party affiliate is celebrating yet another month of perfect ideological hygiene, having successfully alienated every single curious newcomer who wandered in hoping to talk…
Local Tankie Sues for Defamation Using Legal System They Publicly Denounce as Bourgeois Tool of Oppression
PHILADELPHIA, PA — Local Marxist-Leninist activist Cass Freeman, 26, has filed a defamation lawsuit this week — despite spending the past several years loudly declaring the U.S. legal system a…
Woman with Go-Getter Attitude Crushed by Single Libertarian Party Affiliate Meeting
CANTON, GA — Local marketing professional and self-described “doer” Tessa Marks, 33, entered her first Libertarian Party affiliate meeting Wednesday night bright-eyed and full of ideas — and left 90…
Local Libertarian Announces Bold Plan to “Outreach to the Urban Community” While Pulling Pants Up to Just Below Nipples
SPRINGFIELD, MO — Longtime Libertarian Party committee member and self-appointed outreach strategist Carl Denman, 63, announced a “bold new plan” at Tuesday night’s meeting to connect with what he repeatedly…
Libertarian Group Chat Leaked, Members Revealed to Be Even Bigger Nerds Than Anyone Thought Possible
AUBURN, AL— A leaked libertarian group chat that many assumed would contain the usual toxic stew of private male conversations — petty drama, crude jokes, maybe a little light racism…
We Watched Every Ayn Rand Film Adaptation and Ranked Them Starting at 0 and Descending Into the Negative Numbers Where They Belong
By the time we reached the third Atlas Shrugged movie, we were no longer asking “Who is John Galt?” but “Why did we do this to ourselves?” For a philosophy…
Libertarian Party Devastated to Lose Ballot Access for Race They Had No One Running In
ATLANTA, GA — Members of the state Libertarian Party affiliate expressed profound disappointment this week after losing ballot access for the upcoming state auditor race—a contest in which they did…
Woman Who Married Young and Just Got Into Progressive Politics Reminds You for the 17th Time This Week That She’s Actually Queer
DURHAM, NC — Local woman Natalie Byrnes, 32, who has been married to the same man since she was 22, reportedly reminded friends yet again on Monday that despite appearances,…
Wife of Professional Marxist Slips in Yet Another Passive-Aggressive Jab at Middle-Class Friends for Having Money
BROOKLYN, NY — During what began as a casual dinner party among longtime friends, local academic and Marxist spouse Elaine Kropotkin, 36, reportedly could not resist slipping in yet another…
Libertarian Party Officials Celebrate “Perfect” County Platform, Shocked to Discover Everyone Still Finds Them Unlikable
CANTON, OH — After months of heated debate, subcommittee reports, and late-night Google Docs warfare, the officers of the Stark County Libertarian Party are proud to announce they have finally…
