World Leaders Revealed to Be Ageless Demonic Entities Sustained by Human Suffering; Your Neoliberal Friend Says “That’s a Good Thing, Actually”
GENEVA — In a joint press conference that tore open the veil of reality and caused several reporters to burst into ash, world leaders revealed this week that they are,…
Knitting Club Passes Bold Resolution Condemning Bad Things, Supporting Good Things; Leadership Says It’s a Turning Point
MAPLE RIDGE, WA — In what club officials are calling “a necessary act of moral clarity,” the Northwest Maple County Knitting Society voted unanimously Thursday to adopt a sweeping resolution…
Calvinist Takes Credit for Choosing to Attend Church, Briefly Forgets Everything He Believes
GREENVILLE, SC — Local Calvinist Zackery McClintock, 32, experienced a brief but significant lapse in theological consistency Sunday morning when he proudly told a friend he was “really glad I…
Libertarian Shocked by 27th Straight Election Loss After Spending Entire Campaign Giving Speeches to Other Libertarians
SPRINGFIELD, IL — Gerald Whitmore, 68, a buttoned-up libertarian fixture who has been running for public office every other year since 1974, was once again stunned Tuesday night after losing…
Anarcho-Libertarian Has Every Answer for Society’s Problems, Still Can’t Get Anyone to Swipe Right
WEST, TX — Local anarcho-capitalist Brandon Kessler, 24, has spent the better part of his adult life mastering economic theory, foreign policy, the culture war, and the nuances of the…
College Student Takes Someone’s Seat, Performs Land Acknowledgment to Justify It
PORTLAND, OR — Chaos quietly unfolded Tuesday morning in a packed lecture hall at Greenridge University when sophomore Iris Bell took a clearly occupied seat near the front row —…
College Marxist Assumes Yet Another Ethnic Identity
BERKELEY, CA — Undergraduate student and campus Marxist Blake Renner, 21, has reportedly adopted yet another ethnic identity this semester, leaving classmates confused, exhausted, and quietly wondering how many ancestral…
Defense Think Tank Analyst Casually Refers to Eastern Europe as “The Chessboard” at Happy Hour
ARLINGTON, VA — During what was meant to be a casual after-work happy hour, defense analyst Trent Mallory, 43, stunned his coworkers by referring to Eastern Europe as “The Chessboard”…
International Affairs Grad Student Takes on Six-Figure Debt to Learn to Hate Russia
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Local graduate student Marissa Lane, 26, has racked up over $137,000 in student debt pursuing a Master’s in International Affairs — a degree that, according to sources,…
Atheist Consoles Grieving Mother by Reminding Her It’s All Just a Series of Chemical Reactions
DENVER, CO — In a powerful display of emotional intelligence, local atheist Ethan Marks, 37, attempted to comfort a grieving mother at a memorial service Tuesday by gently reminding her…
